I've been doing a lot of "thinking", although a lot of stupidity and clever management of that is more accurate. It started with doing Certificate 3 in Multimedia, art and computing, my two major interests, so the course should be riveting, yes? So dollars later and 3 months in i face the "reality"
...
No?!?!?!?!

Just not normal. So i do the impossibly dumb and decide that along with my waning interest the full time hours are killing' me and i don't wanna complete the 6 months only for it not to lead to a job. Pawwww baby...

To save my own arse i won't mention how much money i wasted through quitting. So, i should be pretty scared to write it in my blog, yes? Well you're not paying attention, you see, I'm a very silly person, that and there's more to it, it's not like that makes writing in my blog is any safer but you're dealing with me now. I fully embrace the mentality of being thorough, and if I'm gonna be stupid, I'm making a field day of it.

I think I'll take the time to mention that I've had my share of humble pie and decided no job is below me, rather, they're all far above me. Soon every shop in Carousel will know me by face, name and Resume, that or I'll get factory work, I'll even take a pub job. Keeping in mind of course, got no licence, got no car, i live right near the train line and i got only a year 12 graduation. This is going to be fun, yes fun, because I'm going to smile and be very happy - or let Centrelink/Intework find me a job... which means I'm definitely having fun.

:-D See, i even managed an Internet smile. How sweet.

Ah yes, that quitting thing. Well i had my cry fest "God, why have you abandoned me" "i can't do it anymore" Sunday night/Monday morning, that is, a few hours ago Mother finished talking to me, BTW mum=mum Mother=god. About that quitting thing, not only are two major interests so uninteresting for some reason i would find myself waiting for class to finish and so distracted from the 'boring' in-class tasks. Not only were the hours deadly for someone who's never worked, and done NOTHING for two years (you call that rest? i call that working up a good muscle-atrophy!). Not only do i have stubborn-mule issues and lost-kitten issues and a million other issues, GOD had no part in this. I'm so Christian that i didn't consult with Mother on this decision, and - well you'll get it if you read the whole blog. I'm a mess with even less energy and purpose than before, and two very upset angry parents.

If you have any cheesy sayings that you could offer to me to encourage me and make me happy, can it! I want only misery and pain... but not the kind you're thinking of. Mother reminded me of things i told her that i was forgetting/ignoring. My new years resolution: Break all the rules, obey all the laws. That is, forge a new way of doing things obeying the spiritual laws god put in place, and breaking any rules that got in my way, like a sort of learning kerb. Only thing is: my version seems to have excluded the whole learning thing so far. Then there's Planet Shakers last year, i quit being Anorexic, i quit with cutting, and God put several things on my heart.

To cut a long story short since I'm so stubbornly (is that a good thing... (?)) sure, I'll put things in lists to make it clear.

What God Put On My Heart:
Make the time to sort my problems out:
+Counselling
+ Careforce program Woman To Woman
+Psychology
+Telling other people
Take the time to learn more about god
+Bible college
+in church christian education
+internship at a camp or planet shakers

What i did:
+to do Careforce Woman2Woman i had to do Careforce Lifekeys first so i did
+then i did Careforce Search4Intimacy
+i told people, 2 no i used to cut, a grand total of 2. 1 person knows i used to be anorexic, a grand total of 1. That makes a super total of THREE.

What i didn't do:
Option 1:Sit down have a one on one with God so he could give me a clear yes or no
Option 2: get a patient well-versed faithful obedient sharp eared leader to ask for me

My GOD I'm bright, not only did i set myself up to fail, which God can help me overcome, I've missed a week, which is a recipe for more failure, I've HAD IT! I've told my parents I'm not doing it no more, and frankly, I'm sticking with that, with the way things are going and the fact that dad and TAFE have talked things over, it's too late now. The cleverest thing for image-sake in case my stupid arse wants a second shot at this course is to pull out now. Why? "Not worth the hard hours if I'm not interested in it as a career path any more, gonna just look for work and see what i wanna do mid-year" That's the cleverest thing i can do now. I can now thank myself for backing myself up into a tight spot i didn't want to go in. I could attempty catch-up like the last in the TAFE course when i missed classes... or NOT. Can you tell i dropped out then to?

Add to that my dad nearly died in a cyclone a fornight before i quit.

I just KNOW somebody out there wants to slap me like a three-headed monkey. Don't worry, so do i, only i decided to tell Mother and let her do it, Mother hasn't slapped me yet so i'm guessing she's just taking her time. If you're wondering why this whole thing has a funny-vibe, until i suddenly become perfect i'm needing to cope with me for a bit (unless someone else wants to do it for me), so i'm trying to live with myself.

Should i bother-internet screaming or just go to bed in angst and self-pity listening to music because i'm too emotional to sleep. The latter sounds so... so much more... realistic.